I interrupt our regularly scheduled program of beautifully curated galleries of lovely people to bring you a personal piece! I have been thinking a lot about how this past year has been a roller coaster of emotions full of my greatest highs and lows. Of course being a photographer has it’s pressures of showing the world all of the picture perfect moments and highlight reels...but I’m about to drop a whole lot of truth today folks.
Life is messy. I am messy. Our house is messy. You know why? Because we are real people. I prefer to spend time doing things I love over cleaning. Maybe it’s the way I grew up or maybe it’s my way of rebelling against an identity that isn’t quite mine.
If we could travel back in time to about 2 years ago and have a conversation about the topic of being a stay at home mom, I would have very passionately told you that I could never do that. I could list off 276 reasons why that lifestyle would not suit me. Well, the jokes on me I guess because here we are.
My main reason for this extreme opposition to being a stay at home mom was rooted in my perception of what I thought stay at home moms did. I naively believed that it was too boring, too organized, too stagnant and too tame. Again, jokes on me right? I honestly believed that I would get bored!?! What in the actual heck was I thinking?
So because I had this crazy idea that SAHM’s were just sitting around with clean houses, nicely dressed kids and fresh home cooked meals prepped and ready to go each night at 6, I decided that those goals were going to be so easy to achieve that I better just go ahead and launch my own career in the midst of it all. Ha!
But if I’m being totally honest with myself, it wasn’t actually that I thought I could do all that and run a business, it was that I was terrified of getting caught up in the demands of being home each day and completely lose my own identity in each load of laundry I folded. I hate laundry. I like a clean organized house as much as the next gal but here’s the thing, I can’t stand the work it takes to get there. That’s the part I identified as boring and tame and uninteresting. I was fearful of being looked at as just another stay at home mom.
But why? What’s wrong with that? Where along the way did I pick up this weird aversion to being home with my kids? Or that there wasn’t value in being here each day to raise the humans I brought into this world. Isn’t that what I am supposed to want to do? It’s confusing right?
If you haven’t already figured this out, I’m about to drop a truthbomb...I am very opinionated. I have an opinion about everything. You know what else I am? Not afraid of admitting when I am wrong about something. I have been wrong about a lot of things this past year. I’m not too proud to admit it either. In fact, I am glad I was wrong because the lessons I have learned have been invaluable to me.
You see, the opinions I had formed about what it meant to be a stay at home mom were some of the most uneducated ones I’ve ever had. And like most lessons in life, you don’t know you are uneducated until you are taught a new perspective. You only know what you know. I have spent the last year of my life soul searching every nook and cranny of my jaded mindset and I’d like to share what I’ve discovered…
Lunch time is the highlight of my day. I love sitting with my children at the table for lunch. For the first two years of Lydia’s life, I didn’t even know what she ate for lunch Monday through Friday. Now I get to prepare our lunch, albeit sometimes it’s a can of corn and a bowl of goldfish but hey, at least I know what she ate. It was an unexpected bonus that I have come to love. We can slow down for a few minutes and enjoy each others company. It makes me feel close to them and I like that.
We don’t always have to be on a routine. I am a highly social person and love the freedom and flexibility I have to go and do things in the middle of the day. Sure it’s sometimes disruptive to nap routines but I hate routines anyway. Meeting a friend at the park or going on a walk or going to storytime at the library have been little blessings to break up the days. And I can assure you, I don’t get bored...like ever.
The grocery store can actually be kind of fun, or at least can make for a good story later on to share with others. Like the time Lydia threw the biggest tantrum of her life because she bit her sister and I made her put back the Froot Loops she was trying to earn by behaving through an entire shopping trip...she yelled at the top of her lungs, “Don’t you dare put those back mom, you put those in the cart right now!” Sure, I got some strange looks from other shoppers as I stifled some laughter and made my way to checkout with a screaming three year old. But you know what? She hasn’t ever thrown a fit like that again so I guess my follow through worked. Plus, middle of the day shopping is nice because it isn’t busy and there are a lot of sweet old ladies that gush over the girls. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be ;)
Nap time is glorious. I used to take naps when the girls napped and it was heaven on earth. Now I write my blogs, edit pics, and work on building a business I can be proud of. I sacrifice my own sweet sleep to do the things that make me feel like a contributing member of society. I miss the naps but the quiet house and ability to focus without tiny humans interrupting my thought process is a gift to my sanity. They get some much needed rest while I get to maintain my own identity… total win-win.
And the most valuable lesson I have learned; I am my own person on my own journey. All of the preconceived notions I had can be let go. I can maintain my own identity separate from the one I had falsely created for SAHM’s everywhere. That is a very freeing place to be. If I don’t want to clean my house one day, I don’t have to. If I want to leave that basket of laundry in the corner of my room for two days before I fold it, then I get to. There is beauty in the life I had once feared. I have learned to embrace this role rather than rebel against it. Realizing that feels good.
As summer rolls in and this first year of officially being a stay at home mom closes, I am feeling grateful. Both kids are alive, I didn’t pull out (all of) my hair, my husband and I are still married...I’d say it was a success! Sure, my life is messy but I am okay with that. The fact is, we are all just doing the best we can, one load of laundry at a time.
